Saturday, January 06, 2007

When Will It Stop?

I'm having a bad day. It still hurts and it is so hard to get out of bed and go about my day, but I have to be a father to Miranda. I don't have the luxury of spending the day in bed curled up in a fetal position and praying for it all to go away. I'm not sure what triggered it, maybe the movie last night, yeah, I think that was it. It was one of those sappy happy ever after types. I had a dream just before I woke up and I'm not sure if I was sobbing, or screaming as I woke. Thank God that Miranda's a very sound sleeper. Needless to say my day has not been what I would like. I'm taking Miranda to the movies today and I'm glad she chose Happily N'ever After instead of Charlotte's Web. I don't think I can handle the sad ending. This whole thing was described to me as if someone died but is still walking around. The difference between this and a death is, death you know is coming, it is supposed to happen eventually and you know to prepare and it's not a choice(though I didn't have a choice in this), usually the person dying doesn't want to go. Letting go is much harder when you still see and talk to the one who has left. I was told that there is medication that will help, I don't want it. Do you take a pain killer for a sucking chest wound? If you cut off your finger is the first thing you reach for is aspirin? I feel this way for a reason and if I take any medication the problem will still be here and I will be faced with it later anyway. I'm dealing the best I can and I think I am doing ok. I've wondered lately why I don't want to talk about it and I've figured out why. The one person I would normally want to talk to about this type of thing is the reason I feel this way. I'm beginning to believe this is like getting a tattoo, it hurts and at some point you feel the pain wont stop, but you accept that and live with it, but then again there is choice involved. Tomorrow is another day, I'll still be here and I will be ok.